Does Jesus have higher sexual purity standards than anyone can keep? Though we live in grace, trying to not commit “adultery in the heart,” for a man seems to be a constant battle and one that usually ends in shame. Are we really reading Jesus correctly?
NOTE: This article contains sensative material. I feel these things need to be said, though it makes me uncomfortable to say them and especially share them publically. I ask that you be gentle in the comments.
I’m not aware that any generation that has been under a stricter standard of sexual purity than in the 1990s when the purity movement began. I know parents mean well. They want their children to grow up and live God honoring lives, avoid the hardships and sins they themselves went through or committed and the hardships they may have brought.
What parents are unaware of however, is how such a strict standard of commitment may be damaging their childrens health both sexually and psychologically, not just while they’re single, but well into marriage.
I’ve never met a man who hasn’t struggled with porn, masturbation, or lustful thoughts, and for those of them in a church environment, they feel an overwhelming and constant sense of shame over it. I even have a close friend whom I suspect committed suicide over shame from the church he felt over his porn habit. I know this was of deep concern to him in my last conversation with him a couple weeks before his suicide. Merely telling people God’s grace covers them does not always remove the shame and struggle.
That is to say, though this conversation is uncomfortable it needs to be had.
We often hear how having sexual fantasies, masturbating, or sometimes even being attracted to a woman sexually are wrong. These ideas mostly come from a misunderstanding of Matthew 5:27-28:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
We say, Jesus raised the standard of the law so high that no one could keep it, but we’re supposed to try. Because of this my friends and myself tried our utmost to never have a sexual thought and if we slipped would feel an overwhelming sense of shame over it. We had the impression that those were some of the worst sins you could commit. But despite my constant efforts and prayer dedicated to eradicate this part of me, years later, having sexual thoughts never seemed to lessen in frequency. It was a part of me I could never stop feeling shame over and was a constant source of stress and effort to change. It made my teenage years absolutely miserable. And I’m not alone:
“A survey conducted in the 1980’s in Britain by an evangelical magazine confirmed both that single, evangelical British Christians were masturbating and that they were feeling guilty about it (94% single Christian males admitted they masturbated, 90% felt guilty about it, female figures a bit lower) (Betchen S. Male Masturbation. J Sexual and Marital Therapy 1991;17:269-78)” (Masturbation – Two Views)
It’s worth researching this verse because if we’re wrong about our understanding of Jesus’s saying, then we’ve been suffering needlessly and are subjecting ourself to shame over something we may not need to feel shame about. Sexual thoughts may be part of our psychology that God never intends for us to change or may even be unhealthy to attempt to change.
My goal in explaining this passage is not to push it into meaning something I want it to say, but to do my best to explain the natural meaning presented in Jesus’s teaching with integrity and honesty. This is not a comprehensive study of if a one sexual deed or another is a sin, we are simply looking at one verse.
A look into the Greek
In order to understand this verse the way Jesus intended to communicate it, we have to break out of our modern lense of interpretation and go back to around 28AD in the culture that was hearing these words.
The word in the Greek for “lust” or “epithumeó” is not specifically a bad desire, simply a strong desire for something.
Luke 22:15 And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer.
That phrase “eagerly desire” is the that same Greek word for lust. However, this same Greek word can mean covet depending on the context.
Romans 7:7 “What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.”
The ambiguous Greek word used for “woman” Matthew 5:28, “gynaika” can mean either mean “woman” or “wife,” and the context decides which one was intended. If the “woman,” in Matthew 5:28 is speaking about a single or married woman, then Jesus would be saying having a strong desire for any woman is sinful. But if we can demonstrate that the woman is specifically a married woman, then the meaning of lust would more naturally mean to covet.
Is this a single or a married woman?
Determining if the spouse is married or not is key to determining the correct meaning of lust. If the woman is single, then the Greek word for lust can only mean, “having a strong desire for.” But if the woman is married, then Jesus intended to mean “coveting another man’s wife.”
Problems with the woman being single
Let’s consider that this woman is single. If this is the case it leaves us with some questions:
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If this is speaking of any woman, married or single, then it could potentially include even your spouse. Many people understanding this have concluded that you’re not supposed to lust even after your own spouse. Jesus did not specifically exclude your own spouse from this statement leaving you to wonder if he meant to include him or her.
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Most people would not marry someone unless they felt some amount of lust for that person. The idea that a single man cannot desire a single woman even in a sexual way excludes the possibility of marriage or the human race continuing. If a man was successful in removing “all lust,” he would no longer have a personal desire to marry. As Paul himself says:
1 Corinthians 7:9 it is better to marry than to burn with passion
Paul’s inverse logic is, “without any passion, it’s better not to marry.” Burning with passion, is a mechanism God designed in men and women to help continue our population and drive marriage and children-bearing. I seriously doubt the old Catholic idea that sex is merely for child-birth and not for pleasure would scale through the world and still provide ample value and reasons to marry. If having a strong desire for a woman is itself a sin, then Paul should have done more to warn the Corinthians that their passions were actually a form of adultery.
The case for the woman being a married woman
However, let’s now consider the idea that this is specifically speaking of a married woman.
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Jesus frequently quotes from the law to explain how it was intended to be kept.
Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
This is one such example. He is likely elaborating Exodus 20:17:
Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.
In the Setuagint, the Old Testament in Greek, the same Greek word for lust or epithumeó is used for covet in this verse.
As further evidence that this is Jesus’s source, he later says:
Matthew 5:29-30 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
In Palestine, loosing your eyes was a punishment for sexual misbehavior and having your hand cut off was a punishment for stealing another man’s property, even his wife (Ben Witherington, Women in the Ministry of Jesus: A Study of Jesus’ Attitudes to Women and Their Roles as Reflected in His Earthly Life).
The fact that Jesus seemlessly illustrates his teaching using this punishment as an example shows he has in mind the crime of “taking another man’s wife.”
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Also, recognize the crime that is actually being committed, adultery. Adultery by definition relates to someone other than the spouse sleeping with a married person. In our modern era, we only allow one spouse to marry one other spouse, so adultery can be committed either by the woman sleeping with someone besides her husband or a husband sleeping with someone besides his wife. However in Jewish culture, adultery was only committed when a married woman slept with a man (married or not), not if a married man slept with a single, unengaged woman. This is because Jewish men in that time were allowed to have multiple wives. Although this practice was looked down upon during Jesus’s ministry, the Mosaic law never forbid it. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines.
1 Kings 11:3 He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.
This was not merely man’s idea, God approved of this system for that time. He blessed David with many wives as a sign of his favor:
2 Samuel 12:8 I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more.
Whether we agree today with this idea, in Jesus’s day adultery was only committed when a married woman slept with a man besides her husband and since the crime being committed in this passage is adultery, it gives greater weight to the idea that this is speaking of a married woman.
It seems sensible to me, that if we place ourselves in the culture of the people hearing this, that the evidence leans towards Jesus meaning a “married woman.” If this is the case, then the word for lust here is intended to mean covetousness, not simply a strong desire. To further illustrate, it is not a crime to desire a woman, instead it is a crime to intend to take something that belongs to someone else. Jesus is emphasing that coveting a neighbour’s wife is adultery of the heart.
Being sexually aroused by someone and coveting them are two separate things. To use this illustration: suppose your neighbor buys a house that could be potentially be within your budget and you love the design. After seeing your neighbor’s house you want to go and buy a similar house, but you don’t have any intention of stealing your neighbors house from him or her. Desiring a similar house is not coveting your neighbours house. However, if you had an intention to cheat your neighbor out of his home because you wanted his or her exact house, that would be coveting because you have intention to take something that belongs to someone else.
How is the crime being committed?
So we’ve established that this verse is talking about a married woman. But how is the crime being committed? By simply looking at the woman?
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
This wording may actually not be accurate to the Greek as many scholars have attested. This current interpretation leaves out a duplicate pronoun that would seem needless unless we consider an alternative translation that is consistent and upholds all Greek rules.
anyone who looks at her so as to get her to lust (Klaus Haacker, “Der Rechtsatz Jesu zum Thema Ehebruch,” Biblische Zeitschrift 21 (1977): 113-16.)
Klaus Haacker argues that αυτην is more likely the subject of the infinitive επιθυμησαι. That is, a man looking at a married woman in such a way to tempt her to commit adultery with him. This argument is very involved, if you’re interested in his reasoning, research “Matthew” by D. A. Carson and look for his reference to Klaus Haacker.
It seems to me this is not merely a flirting glance, but a series of attempted efforts to lure the married woman to covet or lust after the man. What this comes down to is this: The sin Jesus has in mind is that of a man coveting and attempting to seduce another man’s wife. This is committing adultery in the heart even before the physical act is carried out. It has nothing to do with your personal thoughts, sexual fantasies, or desiring a single woman.
So often in purity culture the women are blamed for men’s failures. Either they aren’t dressing modestly enough or are acting in a way that “could be perceived” as flirting. However in Jesus’s statement, it is the man who is blamed for tempting the woman to sleep with him.
Can people with sexual thoughts go to heaven?
As an additional argument, I don’t know of any man who has ever overcome all sexual thoughts. If you say having these is committing adultery in the heart, recall that Paul said a habit of adultery would keep you out of heaven (1 Corinthians 6:9) and Jesus said it is better to cut off your hand. Under the argument that adultery is desiring or thinking of a woman sexually this of necessity demands that the majority if not all men and possibly most all women can’t go to heaven for their continual adultery of the heart. Something has to give, either adultery of the heart doesn’t bar you from heaven, isn’t worth cutting off your hand for, or having sexual thoughts isn’t adultery. Does the punishment fit the crime? We may not teach this, but these are the implications well-meaning young men come to on their own.
The law today
However, much of this conversation is besides the point. We are no longer under the Mosaic law, which Jesus was explaining. We are under the commandment to love as Christ loved us. I feel this commandment is more relaxed than the purity movement, but in some ways is more strict than in Bible times. For one, I find it more loving to have one spouse because it shows faithfulness and dedication and equal rights to your woman. We need to be in close communication with the Holy Spirit and seek his guidance and wisdom on how we are to follow Christ’s command to love.
However, having an overly strict interpretation of sexual purity has lead to a crisis in men’s psyche which has lead some to commit suicide or turn away from Christianity and the church.
I am not writing to promote sinful behavior and I want encourage you to not be sexually promiscuous. But if you have been at constant war with your conscience for years, I hope this helps to relieve your guilt and struggle. Be wise, don’t let your passions get the best of you, but also find peace with yourself.
Again, keep in mind, that my explaining Jewish customs in Jesus’s day is not my endorsement of such practices.